Friday, December 11, 2009

Rumors Confirmed: Jabba The Hutt is the New DC at UGA

Wow. I'm just as shocked as you all are.

From the Associated Press:

Jabba The Hutt is surprise choice to be Georgia's next defensive coordinator

Athens, GA: After a down season for the Georgia Bulldogs, Coach Mark Richt let go much of his defensive staff, including the much maligned defensive coordinator Willie Martinez.

After the dismissal of Willie Martinez, John Jancek, and Jon Fabris last week, there has been rampant and wild speculation among the Georgia fan base as to who would become their new defensive coordinator. This morning it was announced that Jabba the Hutt, (who has no known previous ties to the university), would be hired as Georgia's new defensive coordinator.

Don't judge. Giant space slugs can be good coaches, too.

Jabba The Hutt is most well known for being the intergalactic crime lord based on the desert planet of Tatooine. Known for his cunning nature, ruthlessness, and love of all things evil, he is seen by many as a powerful force in the space crime world (as well as taking great pleasure in out smarting his opponents and torturing them).

"I'm very excited about this opportunity." Jabba told members of the media on a conference call this morning (NOTE: the translation is loose as it is quite difficult to find someone that speaks Huttese). "I've wanted to venture into coaching for a long time, and I think my experience as a crime lord will enable me to bring unique leadership to the football field."

Mark Richt was unavailable for comment during the announcement due to recruiting obligations.

Jabba's selection as a defensive coordinator for a college football team may seem like an odd move to many. However, Jabba's background and personal characteristics might suit him well for the job.

Jabba the Hutt was actually a skilled defensive lineman at Oregon State University, starting during the 1962, '63, and '64 seasons. Jabba led the defense in helping the '62 beavers reach the Liberty Bowl, and the '64 team to the Rose Bowl. As a freshman, he play on both sides of the ball and being a key asset on the line that protected 1962 Heisman Trophy winning quarterback Terry Baker.

While Jabba attempted a career in the NFL after being drafted by the Green Bay Packers in 1965, a severe ACL tear in training camp left him immobile for months. This lead to Jabba's massive weight gain, thus preventing him from ever getting back into shape, and eventually he began a career in organized space crime.

All the while, Jabba stayed involved with his alma mater as one of its major boosters. According to insiders, Jabba has always held a great passion for college football and one day wished to become involved more personally.

When asked why he wanted to coach at Georgia, Jabba himself said, "I first met Mark Richt many years ago when he was recruiting one of my many illegitimate space children to come play fullback at Florida State. When my son was eventually killed by a rival bounty hunter before he could enroll in college, Mark Richt reached out immediately to my family. He has remained a friend ever since. I've talked with him many times about venturing into coaching, and as soon as the opportunity opened, I called him with my interest. Luckily, he allowed me to present myself to him and his staff, and evidently they saw something in me that clicked.

"I think I will be able to bring a lot to Georgia. Ask anyone that's been in business with me, they know my ability to get people to believe in me. Typically, their life has depended on it."

When asked how will he be able to keep his players out of trouble when he has built a career off of crime, Jabba responded, "No one knows more about trouble than me, so no one knows how to keep kids out of trouble more than I do. Whether it's kidnapping or placing bounty on people's heads, I've done it. This will be a new kind of scared straight...scared Jabba straight."

One reporter asked who Jabba might bring in as his new position coaches. "I'm considering many options, including bringing some unconventional choices, like some bounty hunters I've employed. However, I won't be employing any storm troopers. Too close to the traditional powers, " Jabba said.

When asked by another report if he wouldn't be a better fit Georgia Tech, given his sci-fi background, Jabba replied, "Gimme a break. Georgia is the type of place for me. I may have connections with Star Wars, but I am by no means a nerd. In fact, I hate nerds, that's why I eat them, and turn their women into slaves."

What about Jabba's death in Return of the Jedi? Is this even possible to be happening? Jabba's reply: "It's not really applicable, as that was an alternate galaxy, and I've often traveled back and forth between these different galaxies. I have a theory that most of my activity as a crime lord has taken place in a different dimension. While unproven, it could explain my existence here while I may suffer a death on Tatooine.

"End of the day, it doesn't matter. I'm ready to come to Georgia, and I'm ready to win. Even if it means kidnapping Urban Meyer's daughter and turning her into my personal slave."


Streit said...

Mark Mangino?!?!

Anonymous said...

I thought Richt had hired Fulmer, for a few minutes then I saw the picture.

ecdawg said...

Down - Hutt one, Hutt two....

alex gibbs said...

Does this mean we can recruit bounty hunters to play linebacker? I feel Boba Fett could do some nice head-hunting in the backfield.

Anonymous said...

That is WAY too long of a blog to read if you are thinking Mangino's name or pic is going to pop up at some point in time. Honestly, I couldn't finish reading it and had to scour dawgbone to confirm it elsewhere. It gave me the feeling I used to get when getting pulled over by the cops when I was 16

Anonymous said...

Will Jabba have Princess Leia on the sidelines on a leash in that skimpy outfit. She could sit right next to UGA VIII. That would be SWEET !!!