Tuesday, August 19, 2008

To Catch a Recruiting Predator

Hello, and welcome once again to College Football Sports Television's groundbreaking series, To Catch a Recruiting Predator. I am Jim Peters.

Each week, this program seeks to root out and bring to light some of the more egregious examples of recruiting violations in today's college football landscape. We use undercover and online operatives to pose as young athletes, find these predators and bring them to justice, in order to ultimately boost our ratings protect our community. I am continuously surprised by the extent to which these grown men will go to satisfy their most base urges and needs.

Not all of the men we entrap invite come, of course; some even arrive on the scene, but fail to make it all the way up the driveway. One gentleman, who we will only identify as B. Petrino, spent half an hour pacing back and forth, before first sneaking to the neighbors' front yard, then leaping onto the back of a passing pork rinds delivery truck. A second coach, a B. Bowden, wandered around the block muttering about 'the daggum E-Bays,' and butterscotch hard candies, before finally being ushered into a golf cart by Jimbo Fisher.

Conversely, some coaches prefer to leave recruiting
to others, while they pursue loftier goals.

Tonight, we focus on a gentleman who drove almost five hundred miles from Tuscaloosa, AL, in order to meet with who he thinks will be a fourteen year old boy that can run a 4.16 forty. As always, I must remind our viewers that all subjects featured on this show are innocent until proven guilty, or until we portray them as quasi-pedophiles using grainy camera work, loaded questions, and ominous music.

Desperate to revive a once storied program, now in decline, our predator must see this young phenom as a possible savior. Unfortunately for him, young 'Alex' is in fact a thirty-five year old Auburn fan who we have used as tonight's decoy. 'Alex' and the coach texted back and forth for almost a month, before scheduling a face to face meeting. 'Alex' has hinted to this older man repeatedly that if given certain gifts, he'd be willing to reward him with his services. As a result, the predator has promised to arrive bearing 'hot chicks', a PS3, 'oodles and oodles of cash,' and some chocolate cake.

"This is still better than how some of our past football coaches treated us."

Alright, I've been informed that our predator has in fact arrived. Let's go confront him:

Jim--"Coach, I'm Jim Peters, with CFST's To Catch a Recruiting Predator, here to talk with you about your relationship with 'Alex.' Now Coach, you had to know that 'Alex' was only fourteen, and, more importantly, that right now is in fact a NCAA Quiet Period?"

Predator--"I don't have any #&$&# time for this....back on the bus girls! And don't forget that chocolate cake!"

At this point, the gentleman attempted to walk back out, only to be met by half a dozen NCAA investigators springing from the bushes. He refused to answer anymore of our questions, other than to say that this was all part of some historical process.

"This is clearly worse than 9/11"

Before we end tonight's show, I need to take a moment to make an apology and retraction on behalf of both myself and this program, regarding a piece we aired last week. On our August 12th episode, the defensive backs coach from North Central Kentucky State was accidently and erroneously impugned as being a recruiting violator. Said coach was in fact not at that house to see the sixteen year old strong safety, but instead his thirteen year old sister. In retrospect, the stuffed animals and all of that Vaseline should have tipped us off. Again, our deepest apologies Coach.

For To Catch a Recruiting Predator, I am Jim Peters, saying goodnight, and good recruiting.

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